Dating in Leisure World—Is it really worth it?

MEMBER COLUMN

by Jon Michaels

LW contributor

I now have a crush. Uh oh.

Well, I finally did it. I met an attractive woman here at Leisure World. She’s 74 and seems like a lot of fun.

We only spent an hour together at Hospitality one morning. She had tea. I had a Diet Coke from the vending machine. And nine cookies.

And I’m excited about seeing her again!

When I got back to my unit, I decided to take a shower. And I looked at myself. I really looked at myself.

Holy crud! What the hell happened to me?!! I used to be handsome. Now, I’m gray and mostly bald. And chubby. I’m a geezer!

And although the woman I just met is nine years older, I kinda feel like her grandpa. So I took a deep breath and immediately went into action.

I made an itinerary: First, I’m gonna phone a hair transplant guy and make an appointment. Then, I’m gonna buy some hair dye from Amazon for when my new hair finally grows in. Next, I’ll drive to CVS and purchase some iron vitamins.

Wow, just making this partial list was tiring. So I made an espresso from my machine. And added some chocolate nutmeg sweet cream just to make it palatable. With newfound energy, I continued on. I gotta make an appointment for some liposuction even though I hear it’s pricey. But I have an ace in the hole: I still have a Groupon deal that expired 12 years ago. Maybe they’ll still accept it?

Then, I’m gonna phone a laser hair removal place for a couple of my problem areas.

Uh oh. How much is this all going to cost? I think I’m gonna have to cash in a mutual fund. OK, back to business.

I might as well call a personality coach. Let’s face it, I’m obviously a little wanting in that department. Then, I really should get a mani-pedi. I don’t even know what they are. But I’ve heard about them for decades.

Anything else? I’ll need to phone a varicose vein removal specialist. I wonder if Medicare covers that?

And then I thought, this is crazy! Why go through all this? Twenty-five thousand dollars, and numerous procedures and operations, simply to get a date?

When it would obviously be easier just to insert my brain’s DNA into another person’s head, a younger person with a better body, and it would basically be a full body transplant in one fell swoop! Does Neuralink do that yet? Does anyone have Elon Musk’s phone number?