Member’s Column

by Jon Michaels

LW contributor

I was watching the traffic off the 405, and I noticed that almost none of the 30,000 cars that drive by every minute stop at Seal Beach Boulevard. Everyone’s in a hurry to get to Newport Beach or San Diego. Our charming little hamlet gets almost zero recognition. And that’s when I realized we need a slogan!

I mean, look at New York. “The City that Never Sleeps!” That’s exciting. Taxicabs honking at all hours. Heck, no wonder nobody sleeps there.

What’s another? Gilroy, “the Garlic Capital of the World!” And once you’re in town, you can get garlic pie, garlic cheese, garlic shakes, garlic fries, garlic garlic.

Where else? Vegas, “What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas.” Yeah, like venereal diseases, hepatitis, drug addiction, wayward drunks, desperate people who’ve lost their life savings.

And I swear that I’m not making this next one up. Forestville, California, actually calls itself “the Poison Oak Capital of the World.” Maybe I’m wrong, but I think they need a new ad agency.

So I looked up some facts about Seal Beach. There is a fair amount of property crime here per capita. But on the plus side, there were zero murders in 2023. “Seal Beach, Zero Murders in 2023!” That’s not a bad slogan. But then, the word “murder” is kinda unpleasant to read.

And then I started to think that being a little secret on the Orange County coast might be a good thing? Heck, I’m never in a traffic jam. And, who needs thousands of annoying tourists flopping around in snorkeling fins and water wings asking, “Which way to the beach?” That’s when it hit me: let’s not tell anybody about us. Shut your pieholes! So maybe the best slogan really is no slogan at all. Good thing I cleared that up. Now, who’s in charge so I can suggest not having a slogan? I gotta tell the mayor to keep everything the way it is.